How to Talk to Your Children About a Child Custody Case

Around 21.9 million children under the age of 21 currently have one of their parents living outside their household. Going through a child custody case can be an emotionally difficult time for both the parents and the children. As a parent, you play a critical role in helping your kids understand what is happening and coping with the changes and uncertainty. Communicating openly and honestly with compassion is key.

Explain What is Happening

Have an age-appropriate discussion with your children explaining that you and their other parent are having a disagreement about custody arrangements and need to go to court so a judge can help make decisions. Use simple language appropriate for their age. For young kids, you can say “We both love you very much, but we have different ideas about some things, so we need someone to help us figure it out.”

For teens, give more details about the legal proceedings. Let them know it is not their fault and this does not mean the end of their family. Also, make sure to take their wishes into account— currently, the laws in 37 states and Washington, D.C. require judges to consider children’s preferences on their opinions on custody.

Involve Your Child Custody Attorney

It can help to have your child custody attorney speak with your children together with you to explain the child custody laws and process in basic terms and what will happen. This can demystify the proceedings, make it less scary, and allow your child to ask questions. Your attorney can also reassure your child their voice will be heard if they want to express their wishes to the judge.

Emphasize It’s Not Their Fault

Make sure your kids understand that the custody case is between you and your co-parent, not them. Say things like “This adult problem is not your fault. Both parents love you. We will figure out an arrangement so you can spend time with both of us.” Do not make negative statements about your co-parent that could hurt your child. Reassure them they will still have two parents who love them.

Explain What Will Change and What Will Stay the Same in the Custody Case

Talk about how their daily routines may change depending on the custody arrangement. Things like where they will live, which school they will attend, or weekend plans may change. But let them know some things will stay the same like their favorite toys, friends, and relatives. Highlight what will remain stable and familiar.

Also, explain they will still get to see both parents, even if the time is divided. In fact, shared custody arrangements are becoming more common. A study from the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that the likelihood of shared physical custody after divorce more than doubled between the years 2010 and 2014. This trend has only continued.

Encourage Your Child to Express Emotions

This process can bring up complicated emotions like sadness, anger, and confusion for kids. Let them know all their feelings are okay. Provide outlets like writing in a journal, drawing, or talking to a counselor. Reassure them you are always there to listen and talk through their concerns. Do not shut them down if they express difficult emotions about you or their other parent. Watch for any changes in behavior or shifts in grades at school too—children whose parents have a joint custody arrangement are 1.4% more likely to drop out of high school.

Stay Patient and Reassuring. A Custody Case is the Beginning of New Opportunities

This process is emotional for you too. But try your best to remain patient, calm and reassuring when discussing the situation with your kids. Yelling or visibly fighting with your co-parent can further upset and worry them. Present a united front and focus on your child’s wellbeing. With honesty, compassion and support they can get through this difficult time.

Though a custody case creates challenges, being open with your kids and emphasizing your unconditional love can help them cope. With time and guidance, families can adjust and move forward in a healthy way.